‘Get well’ cards speeding the spread of Ebola, CDC warns

Washington – A new study by the Centers for Disease Control has found that the common “get well” card is the leading carrier of the deadly Ebola virus. The government health agency has issued emergency usage guidelines in response.

 CDC plays a wildcard.

CDC plays a wildcard.

“Your typical get well card can become an Ebola factory when handled incorrectly,” a masked CDC spokesperson. “You’re fingering the card with your sweaty little hands. You’re licking the envelope. You’re applying a bodily fluid to the stamp. And before you know it, you’ve turned a simple message of hope into a death sentence.”

The CDC was going to ban the use of all greeting  cards. But it suddenly reversed itself, pointing out that the positive messages the cards provide might comfort those who could contract the disease, which at last count was everybody.

“With proper handling, greeting cards pose no health threat,” the agency said. “Those who wish to distribute a get well device just need to follow a protocol which we have developed for their safety.”

Protocol for Preparation and Personalization of an Analog Motivational Device

1. Acquire a hazmat head-to-toe safety suit.

2. Have a certified hazmat garment application professional fit you to the suit.

3. You left the get well card in your car. Remove the suit and go get it. Put the suit back on.

4. Sign the card.

5. Have your dog or cat lick the envelope and the stamp. Then remove your pet from your home and send it to a quarantine center where it will be kept for 21 days or until its demise, whichever comes first.

6. Remove your hazmat suit. If you’re lucky, this will arouse your significant other and you will be rewarded for your good deed.

7. Disregard guideline number six. There is no reward, and you might as well leave the suit on in case someone sends you a get well card.

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Victoria’s Secret merges with the Secret Service to form… wouldn’t you like to know?

Washington — Bra and panty emporium Victoria’s Secret is combining with the Secret Service to create the most secret organization that the world has ever known.

Weapons of mass seduction.

Weapons of mass seduction.

“We are doubly secret, which makes us twice as secret than any other entity in the universe,” said a spokesman who wishes to remain anonymous. “Even our name reflects the colossal scope of our clandestine nature.”

The new group calls itself Victoria’s Secret Secret Service. All that’s officially known is that it will be part of the US Justice Department.

“We don’t have to tell anybody anything we don’t want to,” the spokesman said, “because secrecy is our primary mission.”

Intelligence analysts speculate that Victoria’s Secret Secret Service will become the government’s primary spying operation and intelligence resource.

Visiting the CIA, NSA and FBI for confirmation, the espionage experts found the headquarters of all three former clandestine operations abandoned. The analysts were able to easily track down the directors of the now defunct spy groups.

“We’ve been fired and our agencies terminated because we can’t keep a secret,” one of the directors explained. “We just can’t resist playing the mister-know-it-all role whenever we can.”

According to the former spy masters, the Secret Service was selected because of the agency’s “culture of ignorance.”

“When you know absolutely nothing, it’s easy to keep a secret,” the FBI ex-chief explained. “So the Secret Service will provide the brute force for this spy network. I just hope they teach them how to aim.”

Victoria’s Secret, meanwhile, will be the brains of the operation. “This is all about technology. A few months back, R&D worked with T&A to develop an underwire bra that delivers advanced surveillance capabilities. They came up with a Wi-Fi wonder that makes current devices seem like a bust.”

“They just better be careful, it looks like something Mr. Putin would like to get his hands on.”

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New CDC Alert Provides Election Day Strategy

Washington – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have issued an urgent advisory, calling on Americans to wash their hands carefully after voting in this year’s midterm elections.

Cleanliness is next to craziness.

Cleanliness is next to craziness.

The procedure is called the Pontius Pilate Gambit, after the biblical figure of the same name.

“Pontius Pilate was centuries ahead of his time with this brilliant personal hygiene strategy,” CDC spokeswoman Dr. Hardia Slough-Sclee said in announcing the alert. “Any time he had to choose a distasteful course of action, he would wash his hands of the whole thing. He never got any on him.

“Faced with a field of talentless, self-serving candidates, American voters should follow Pontius Pilate’s lead, and wipe away their responsibility for selecting a Congress of incompetents.”

To facilitate the conscious clean-up, millions of Wash and Dry packets will be handed out at polling places throughout the country on Election Day. “All of America will be smelling like the way-back of a Chevy station wagon,” Slough-Sclee declared.

Soap sculpture likenesses of President Obama will be available at cost for voters who require a more upscale experience. They will carry a slogan that was created to tie the hand washing campaign with the CDC’s central mission:

“Think Ebola. Sink Obama.”

“We want the American public to know that their president is going to the sink with them to clean up the political process this election,” the spokeswoman explained.

Not surprisingly, the American public reacted to the new advisory as it does to most CDC recommendations – – with a haze of dazed confusion, punctuated by points of sharp indignation.

“Pontius Pilate?” one middle-age grandmother demanded. “I never fly foreign airlines so this don’t apply to me.”

“I’m usually an optimist,” declared another potential voter, a young truck driver, who questioned how effective the program would be. “It’s going to take more than a million moist towelettes to clean this mess up.”

The planned program was also not well received among Secret Service operatives, who are assigned the task of distributing a stream of Wash and Dry moist towelettes that will flow from coast-to-coast. Fortunately, the agents are no longer permitted to play with live ammunition.

More dangerous: the Drug Enforcement Administration has joined with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to issue a circular which details how to turn a Wash and Dry packet into a psychedelic experience.

“We’ll have it on the list of controlled substances within days, complete with instructions,” a DEA spokesperson declared. “That Wash and Dry high will get them six–to–nine. And I will get to keep my job. “

The Pentagon has also expressed an interest. “We could offer a family size Wash and Dry to every soldier in the Middle East who agrees to be on our side,” one general said. “If it doesn’t work out, they make great surrender flags.”

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Take The NYC:IQ Quiz… How New Yorkish Are You?

New Yorkers are made, not born. So no matter where you come from, you can make the greatest city in the world your hometown. Take this quiz to find out how close you are. And remember to pick up after your pooch. It’s the law!

Recent pranks on the Brooklyn Bridge indicate that the NYPD is not interested in protecting the city's infrastructure from terrorists.

Recent pranks on the Brooklyn Bridge indicate that the NYPD is not interested in protecting the city’s infrastructure from terrorists.

1. What was the real reason Michael Bloomberg banned Big Gulp drinks?

A. His fear of drowning.

B. Can’t “hold it in” as well as he used to.

C. Confused corn syrup with cough syrup on the ingredients list.

D. Reminds him of that scary “burping” scene in Willy Wonka

2. New York City is…

A. The Heroin Capital Of the World

B. Home to the nation’s most accomplished pastry chefs.

C. Ruled by a Governor who thinks that powdered sugar is a gateway drug.

3. An A train is traveling downtown at 33 mph, skipping the 42nd St. station. A C train is heading uptown at 26 mph, near W. 4th St. Which subway line is infested with bedbugs?

A. The A train. Bedbugs are always in a hurry.

B. To hell with the bedbugs. The motorman is hooked on powdered sugar.

C. This is a trick question. de Blasio lowered the subway speed limit to 10 mph, as part of his This Is All Going Too Fast for Me, Guys, Program.

4. What should you do if you fall on the subway tracks?

A. If you’re carrying an umbrella, use it to short out the third rail, which will stop the trains. If it’s a sunny day, the optimists have won, but you’re out of luck.

B. Roll around to crush as many bedbugs as you can.

C. Be sure to get your Metro card validated on the way out. You are entitled to a free round-trip for every limb severed.

5. From where did the Donald get that hair?

A. It’s transplanted from the skull of Philomena the Virgin – – the patron saint of pig tails.

B. It has been harvested from a secret order of Tibetian nuns. And not from their heads either.

C. It’s actually spun Kevlar, the material used to manufacture bulletproof vests. Trump has been known to shoot himself in the foot. His Kevlar toupe will protect him if he aims any higher.

6. The banks and brokerages of Wall Street were fined billions for fraud and misappropriation of funds. Yet not one financial executive has been sent to prison. How come?

A. They tricked Martha Stewart into serving their time.

B. That’s all water under the bridge. Unless you signed up for one of our American Scheme Mortgages. Then your home is financially underwater and the bridge you use to get to it is about to be destroyed by the next hurricane.

C. The World Economy is actually being run as a giant pyramid scheme by Bernie Madoff.

D. That Jedi mind control trick really works.

7. Which New York team has the highest propensity for choking during high stress plays.

A. The New York Mets

B. The New York Jets

C. The New York Police Department

8. Why is the city building a new water supply tunnel? 

A. Wants to corner the recycled urine market.

B. The term Big Gulp was available.

C. Plans to turn Rikers Island into the next SeaWorld.

[Don’t look for the correct answers here. True New Yorkers act as if they know all the answers, all the time. And they’re not talking. Guess you’re out of luck, pal.]

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Muppetizing the police

Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

 Stop, Frisk and Tickell Me Elmo

Stop, Frisk and Tickell Me Elmo

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.

It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”

Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.

Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:

Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.

Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.

Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.

The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.

Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?

Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.

Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.

Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.

Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.

“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”

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Missouri Cops Are Reprogrammed On Sesame Street

Originally posted on The Evening Snark:

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

Sesame Street, USA — Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological…

View original 436 more words

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Missouri Cops Are Reprogrammed On Sesame Street

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

Sesame Street, USA — Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.

It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”

Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.

Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:

Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.

Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.

Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.

The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.

Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?

Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.

Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.

Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.

Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman Rule. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.

“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”

Posted in Analysis, Comedy, Current Events, Funny, Humor, News, politics, Satire, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments