Bloomberg packed a parachute on his Tel Aviv flight

New York – Former mayor Michael Bloomberg personally demonstrated the safety of flying commercial jets to Tel Aviv recently, with a well executed publicity stunt in which he down played the threat of terrorist rockets that have been raining down on the Israeli capital. But the effort lost much of its impact when it was discovered that Bloomberg had an emergency parachute in his carry-on luggage.

Is that a rocket in your pocket?

Is that a rocket in your pocket?

“I thought it was my personal pillow,” Bloomberg protested. But when airport security also found a personal oxygen mask in another of his bags, he relented.

“Okay, you caught me,” he said. “It never hurts to take a few extra precautions. And that strip search they just performed was quite invigorating.”

Changing the subject, Bloomberg said that this was the first time in years he abandoned his private jet for a commercial flight. “It was nice to have people to interact with,” he said. “I even visited the cockpit. They were going to let me pilot the plane, but my feet didn’t reach the pedals.”

The diminutive politician, who will always be remembered for his attempt to criminalize the possession of soda water, apparently fails to see the danger in mixing terrorist controlled surface-to-air missiles with commercial air traffic. 

“Missiles come and go,” a Bloomberg spokesman said. “Peanuts come and go. Do you know that more people die annually from peanut allergies than they do from missile attacks?”

 The flight to Tel Aviv proved the point. “The Mayor made sure he ate all his in-flight peanuts so that no one would get hurt. He was very impressed by the little cans of soda that they served to wash the peanuts down.”

An armored transport whisked Bloomberg and his entourage to his private jet, waiting at the other end of Ben-Gurion International. It was boarded immediately for the flight back to New York. “We’ve made our point,” the spokesman said. “Now we’re getting the hell out of here.”

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de Blasio meets the Godfather; outsources NYPD to the Mob

Rome – Snubbed by The Holy Father, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio had a private audience with The Godfather on the first day of his Italian vacation. The meeting paid off immediately, with the crime boss agreeing to take over the operation of the New York Police Department.

101206-0716PizzaThe outsourcing deal couldn’t have come at a better time. As of late, the nation’s biggest municipal police force has been exhibiting signs of being out of control.

“The mayor is a good Christian man, but he is dealing with forces he can’t understand when he tries to boss around an organized group of violent thugs,” Godfather Giuseppe Avellino said. “And that’s just the NYPD. God forbid he tries to go after the Mafia.”

Under the outsourcing agreement, the NYPD will continue its primary mission of ensuring that billions of dollars worth of drugs continues to flow freely both within and around New York City.

“This is community policing at its finest,” a spokesman for the mayor said. “The community wants its drugs. The NYPD make sure it gets them without interruption. Just as long as prohibition keeps the prices artificially high, we can keep all the junkies narcoticly high.”

Under the outsourcing pact, cops will be encouraged not to congregate in and around donut shops, and gravitate to pizza joints instead. “We have a heritage, a legacy, to protect here,” The Godfather said. “Whether it’s 5 kilos of heroine or a couple of loosy cigarettes, we’re going to get our cut, or else.”

The mayor has already asked a special favor from his crime boss. “He wants the carriage horses out of Central Park,” the Godfather said. “It would not surprise me if a certain group of New Yorkers wake-up with heads in their beds tomorrow morning.”

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World Cup souvenir lets fans control time

Zürich, Switzerland – Busy soccer fans can now extend their hectic days with a new World Cup innovation from FIFA.  Called My Time™, the futbol souvenir puts the power of soccer scheduling into the hands of ordinary spectators.

Delivered with a diamond encrusted Rolex watch and a certificate of authenticity, My Time™ provides several ways users can add everything from minutes, to hours, to years to their existence. Among the possibilities are:

Stoppage Time.  Water cooler time. Nap time. Restroom time. Smoking time. All the time you wasted  from 9 to 5 is added up and tacked on to the end of the day.  You can use it to finally get some work done… or to have a cold one.  With My Time™, the choice is yours.

Extra Time. Let’s say you’re really behind on the deadline for that crucial project. Just dial-up some Extra Time on your My Time™ Rolex.  (This feature would have been useful at General Motors when they were designing ignition switches.)

Sausage Time.  Cannibalistic soccer stars can take the time to aim for a delicacy on their next victim. Hint: the target member is below the shoulder and above the knee.

Parole Time.  Players who intentionally break the back of a fellow competitor can stay out of jail

Shadow time included.

Shadow time included.

 with this FIFA time warp.

Just in Time. Press the panic button on your Rolex and My Time™ will take you back 10 minutes, giving you an instant do over.

All profits  generated from the sale of My Time™ will be used to install scoreboard clocks in major soccer stadiums, ensuring that the referee isn’t the only one who knows what time it is.

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GM finds the cause of its ignition switch debacle (humor)

Losing luck?

Losing luck?

Detroit – Rabbits’ feet have proven to be unlucky for what used to be the world’s largest car maker. The key chain charms have been fingered by General Motors engineers as the cause for sudden ignition shutdown that could affect millions of vehicles.

“Rabbits’ feet retain a certain amount of twitch energy long after they are removed from the host bunny,” said Hank Lippincott, General Motors Director of Monotonous Details. “Through months of on road and in lab testing, we found out that this involuntary movement is just enough to twist the ignition switch to off on many GM products.”

The subsequent shutdown of the car’s power steering, power brakes, engine and airbags creates a serious safety hazard. “That’s why we are recalling 29,000,000 automobiles,” Lippincott said. “We want to make certain that no funny bunny parts are putting our customers in harm’s way.”

While apparently satisfying GM car owners, the recall has rabbit aficionados incensed. “Always blame the bunny when something goes wrong,” said Jamar Blankline, Executive Director of the Fudd Institute. “Well, we’ve got ears; we can hear what they saying about us; and we are not going into hibernation on this one.”

The Institute has joined with PETA in a lawsuit aimed at forcing GM to stop its experiments on wildlife and to start building rabbit-powered vehicles durable enough to haul overweight tourists around New York’s Central Park.

Meanwhile, a use is being developed for the millions of rabbits’ feet that are being handed in by the owners of recalled GM cars and trucks.

“We believe that they can be turned into pretty decent buffalo wings,” Lippincott said. “A little batter, a deep fat bath, a little blue cheese. Tastes like chicken. Who’s going to know the difference?”

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Pope Francis launches the Miracle Waffle Iron

Pope Francis launches the Miracle Waffle Iron

-Had it with dry, tasteless communion hosts?
– It’s time for a miracle. A Miracle Waffle Iron, that is
-Transubstantiates the morning Mass into a meal
-“This is my body. This is my maple syrup.”
-Purgatory safe
-Available wherever plenary indulgences are sold

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Catholics put pot into their prayers, over Pope’s objections

The Vatican – A secret enclave of Catholic bishops and cardinals has added marijuana smoking to the church’s menu of Holy Sacraments. The unprecedented action is expected to boost the popularity of Catholicism while replenishing the church’s coffers, which have been decimated by a series of lawsuits involving pedophile priests.

 

“We’re putting the high back into the High Mass,” said Cardinal Vincent Roccoco, spokesman for the Holy See. “We’re answering the question, ‘What would Jesus smoke?’  We’re incorporating a meditative miracle into our prayers and onto our sacred scroll of sacraments.”

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Called the Sacrament of the Holy Toke, ritualized marijuana smoking is being incorporated into Catholicism’s most important ceremony – the Mass.  Parishioners will be invited to light up at appropriate times during the hour-long worship to put themselves more in focus with the ritual.

 

“Studies show that prayer comprehension rises 36% when marijuana is introduced,” Roccoco said. “Congregational singing is 48% “less pitchy.”  And collection plate generosity improves 54%.”

 

Practicing the new sacrament will be completely legal since a  every church is considered to be a sanctuary onto itself, free from all governmental and political prohibitions and restrictions.

 

“Sacramental marijuana will replace that awful altar wine that has been destroying the stomach linings of priests and parishioners for centuries,” Roccoco said. “ We plan to produce the  premium weed right in our church yards and farmlands and charge a modest fee to congregation members who partake.”

 

“Because we don’t have to pay off mobsters or the cops, our prices will be quite reasonable. To put it another way, the nickel bag is back, people.”

 

The enclave’s aggressive plan for marijuana use has met with some high level opposition. Pope Francis  has made pronouncements against legalization of pot. But as most naysayers do, he ignored the devastating effects of marijuana prohibition, which include the rise’s of gangs and  organized crime. “Don’t worry, I told the mobsters that they’re going to go straight to hell. I’m sure they will be rethinking their lives.”

 

“So much for infallibility,”  said Roccoco.  “We’ve already sent one pope into early retirement. There’s plenty of room for another.”

 

Meanwhile, Biblical scholars are doing some major rewrites to the New Testament so that the Bible keeps up with the realities of THC-driven Catholicism.

 

In the “Wedding Feast of Cana,” Christ not only turns water into wine,  He transforms a length of rope into three dozen serviceable joints.

 

In the updated “Last Supper,”  the gang is shown sharing bong hits as the dessert cart is wheeled in.

 

The gifts of the three wise men were not gold, frankincense and myrrh. Rather, they brought enough grass to last into Easter.

 

“The Multiplication of the Loaves and Fishes” is now referred to as “The Miracle of the Munchies.”

 

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It’s Pope Francis vs. the Eight Ball in a know-it-all shootout

New York City — What does Pope Francis have in common with The Magic Eight Ball? They  both are infallible, possessing the magical ability of always providing the right answer at the right time.

An Infallibility Face-Off

An Infallibility Face-Off

But there is one question that they haven’t examined: who between the two is the smartest? The ball? Or the bishop? The Institute for the Intensely Intelligent recently conducted an Infallibility Face-Off to find out. Following are some excerpts:

Moderator: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
Magic Eight Ball: Ask again later.  I’m enjoying the music.
Pope Francis: 262,879. But I wouldn’t call it dancing. It looks more like the turkey shoot from Hell.
Advantage: Magic Eight Ball

Moderator: What about Hell? Is it the heat or the humidity?
Magic Eight Ball: Outlook not so good.  Bring suitable clothing
Pope Francis: Hell was developed as a scare tactic. You know, join with us or you’ll go straight to hell. But that  threat has lost its impact. We’ve hired  the PR shop that created Dick Cheney to make it relevant again. If you’re looking for a hellish newsworthy event, Judgment Day is going to be here before you know it.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Will the second coming of Christ occur during this century?
Magic Eight Ball: Cannot predict now.  I have to get a peek at His calendar.
Pope Francis:  Oh Christ is coming, all right. But He’s only bringing those non-leavened wafers.  I don’t know what you people have against yeast. If you’re attending, you may want to pack a  lunch.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator:  Will Hillary Clinton ever be president of the United States?
Magic Eight Ball:  I just finished her book, now I’m reading between the lines on her face. Try again later.
Pope Francis: By the time she decides to run only 17 states will be left. The others will have been sold off for fracking.
Advantage: Magic Eight Ball

Moderator: Will Chelsea Clinton ever be Pope?
Magic Eight Ball:  Is the Pope Chelsea? Very doubtful.
Pope Francis: Ha-ha —  female clergy. What are the chances? Nun.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Turning to sports, when are the Mets going to have a winning season?
Magic Eight Ball:  Outlook not good.
Pope Francis: Sorry. This is about infallibility.  Miracles are a different story.
Advantage: Pope

Moderator: Is God planning another great flood, like he unleashed on Noah?
Magic Eight Ball: Not tonight, I have date with a cue ball.
Pope Francis: Yes.  The greatest flood is yet to come. But this time, no big rescue projects. In fact, He’s only saving a  petri dish of pond scum. The thinking is the Earth will be better ruled by an amoeba regime than by a  concept that  was poison in the box office.
Advantage: Magic Eight Ball

Moderator: Will they ever find a purpose for the International Space Station?
Magic Eight Ball:  You may rely on it
Pope Francis:  Agreed. As soon as its air supply runs out, it will become the  main location for the  final “Hangover”  sequel.  Heads up to cast members:  Bring your own oxygen.
Advantage: Pope

Overall winner and infallibility champion: Pope Francis

  • “I saw that coming,” Pope Francis  proclaimed.
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