Muppetizing the police

Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

 Stop, Frisk and Tickell Me Elmo

Stop, Frisk and Tickell Me Elmo

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.

It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”

Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.

Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:

Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.

Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.

Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.

The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.

Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?

Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.

Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.

Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.

Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.

“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”

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Missouri Cops Are Reprogrammed On Sesame Street

Originally posted on The Evening Snark:

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

Sesame Street, USA — Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological…

View original 436 more words

Posted in Comedy | Leave a comment

Missouri Cops Are Reprogrammed On Sesame Street

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

Sesame Street, USA — Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.

It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”

Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.

Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:

Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.

Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.

Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.

The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.

Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?

Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.

Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.

Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.

Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman Rule. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.

“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”

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GM Launches The New Mako Shark

A fisherman transports a dead whale shark in Yangzhi, China Says one reviewer: “A fantastic car. But it costs an arm and a leg.”

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Fashion Note

The Mets are giving up their camouflage uniforms. Whenever  they wear them, Terry Collins can’t find the team.

The Mets are giving up their camouflage uniforms. Every time they wear them, Terry Collins can't find the team.

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Separated at birth?

How does Mets GM Sandy Alderson get away with calling his players dwarfs? It must be his close resemblance to Dopey.Sandy and dopey

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Bloomberg packed a parachute on his Tel Aviv flight

New York – Former mayor Michael Bloomberg personally demonstrated the safety of flying commercial jets to Tel Aviv recently, with a well executed publicity stunt in which he down played the threat of terrorist rockets that have been raining down on the Israeli capital. But the effort lost much of its impact when it was discovered that Bloomberg had an emergency parachute in his carry-on luggage.

Is that a rocket in your pocket?

Is that a rocket in your pocket?

“I thought it was my personal pillow,” Bloomberg protested. But when airport security also found a personal oxygen mask in another of his bags, he relented.

“Okay, you caught me,” he said. “It never hurts to take a few extra precautions. And that strip search they just performed was quite invigorating.”

Changing the subject, Bloomberg said that this was the first time in years he abandoned his private jet for a commercial flight. “It was nice to have people to interact with,” he said. “I even visited the cockpit. They were going to let me pilot the plane, but my feet didn’t reach the pedals.”

The diminutive politician, who will always be remembered for his attempt to criminalize the possession of soda water, apparently fails to see the danger in mixing terrorist controlled surface-to-air missiles with commercial air traffic. 

“Missiles come and go,” a Bloomberg spokesman said. “Peanuts come and go. Do you know that more people die annually from peanut allergies than they do from missile attacks?”

 The flight to Tel Aviv proved the point. “The Mayor made sure he ate all his in-flight peanuts so that no one would get hurt. He was very impressed by the little cans of soda that they served to wash the peanuts down.”

An armored transport whisked Bloomberg and his entourage to his private jet, waiting at the other end of Ben-Gurion International. It was boarded immediately for the flight back to New York. “We’ve made our point,” the spokesman said. “Now we’re getting the hell out of here.”

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