Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.
“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”
As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”
Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.
It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”
Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.
Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:
Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.
Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.
Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.
The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.
Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?
Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.
Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.
Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.
Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.
“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”