Take The NYC:IQ Quiz… How New Yorkish Are You?

New Yorkers are made, not born. So no matter where you come from, you can make the greatest city in the world your hometown. Take this quiz to find out how close you are. And remember to pick up after your pooch. It’s the law!

Recent pranks on the Brooklyn Bridge indicate that the NYPD is not interested in protecting the city's infrastructure from terrorists.

Recent pranks on the Brooklyn Bridge indicate that the NYPD is not interested in protecting the city’s infrastructure from terrorists.

1. What was the real reason Michael Bloomberg banned Big Gulp drinks?

A. His fear of drowning.

B. Can’t “hold it in” as well as he used to.

C. Confused corn syrup with cough syrup on the ingredients list.

D. Reminds him of that scary “burping” scene in Willy Wonka

2. New York City is…

A. The Heroin Capital Of the World

B. Home to the nation’s most accomplished pastry chefs.

C. Ruled by a Governor who thinks that powdered sugar is a gateway drug.

3. An A train is traveling downtown at 33 mph, skipping the 42nd St. station. A C train is heading uptown at 26 mph, near W. 4th St. Which subway line is infested with bedbugs?

A. The A train. Bedbugs are always in a hurry.

B. To hell with the bedbugs. The motorman is hooked on powdered sugar.

C. This is a trick question. de Blasio lowered the subway speed limit to 10 mph, as part of his This Is All Going Too Fast for Me, Guys, Program.

4. What should you do if you fall on the subway tracks?

A. If you’re carrying an umbrella, use it to short out the third rail, which will stop the trains. If it’s a sunny day, the optimists have won, but you’re out of luck.

B. Roll around to crush as many bedbugs as you can.

C. Be sure to get your Metro card validated on the way out. You are entitled to a free round-trip for every limb severed.

5. From where did the Donald get that hair?

A. It’s transplanted from the skull of Philomena the Virgin – – the patron saint of pig tails.

B. It has been harvested from a secret order of Tibetian nuns. And not from their heads either.

C. It’s actually spun Kevlar, the material used to manufacture bulletproof vests. Trump has been known to shoot himself in the foot. His Kevlar toupe will protect him if he aims any higher.

6. The banks and brokerages of Wall Street were fined billions for fraud and misappropriation of funds. Yet not one financial executive has been sent to prison. How come?

A. They tricked Martha Stewart into serving their time.

B. That’s all water under the bridge. Unless you signed up for one of our American Scheme Mortgages. Then your home is financially underwater and the bridge you use to get to it is about to be destroyed by the next hurricane.

C. The World Economy is actually being run as a giant pyramid scheme by Bernie Madoff.

D. That Jedi mind control trick really works.

7. Which New York team has the highest propensity for choking during high stress plays.

A. The New York Mets

B. The New York Jets

C. The New York Police Department

8. Why is the city building a new water supply tunnel? 

A. Wants to corner the recycled urine market.

B. The term Big Gulp was available.

C. Plans to turn Rikers Island into the next SeaWorld.

[Don't look for the correct answers here. True New Yorkers act as if they know all the answers, all the time. And they're not talking. Guess you’re out of luck, pal.]

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Muppetizing the police

Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

 Stop, Frisk and Tickell Me Elmo

Stop, Frisk and Tickell Me Elmo

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.

It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”

Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.

Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:

Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.

Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.

Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.

The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.

Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?

Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.

Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.

Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.

Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.

“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”

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Missouri Cops Are Reprogrammed On Sesame Street

Originally posted on The Evening Snark:

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

Sesame Street, USA — Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological…

View original 436 more words

Posted in Comedy | Leave a comment

Missouri Cops Are Reprogrammed On Sesame Street

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

The Cookie Monster goes undercover as a sock puppet.

Sesame Street, USA — Police in Missouri are being told how to get to Sesame Street for career counseling and psychological reprogramming.

“Every little boy plays soldier at some time in his development,” said Evelyn Puchlens, executive director of Sesame Street USA, Inc. “Unfortunately, the police who responded to the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri waited until they were all grown up to live out their military fantasies. We are working to change that.”

As a first step, all military style vehicles and heavy weaponry have been recalled by General Motors. “GM has an knack for handling defects,” Puchlens said. “And this idea of turning police forces into local armies is as defective as an idea can get.”

Step two is the treatment of thousands of police officers suffering what is being called “military madness.” “They are receiving new personalities through psychological intervention right here on Sesame Street,” explained Puchlens.

It begins with the optics. “You can’t be a soldier unless you’re wearing a uniform,” Puchlens said. “So we’re replacing each cop’s military garb with a colorful costume that brings to life a lovable Sesame Street character.”

Once a cop chooses which Muppet he will embody, a special team of psychologists, acting instructors and vocal coaches spends an intensive week reshaping the officer’s personality to fit his new role.

Of course, the characteristics of each puppet have been altered to enhance their usefulness as police officers. Here are some popular favorites, as selected from the Sesame Street Patrol Guide:

Stop, Frisk And Tickle Me Elmo — Gets those happy-go-lucky potheads laughing so hard that they don’t realize that you are jailing them and destroying their future.

Count von Body Count — “One innocent victim. Two innocent victims. Three innocent victims. Four…” Just like on the show, The Count helps you keep track of the numbers, which are getting higher every day.

Big Bird — Twice the size of your average perpetrator, Big Bird provides the muscle when things get out of hand. Be sure to get a demo of this cluck’s “choke the chicken” hold.

The Cookie Monster — What good is a police force without a bagman who can collect and distribute the goodies? The Cookie Monster is programmed to shake and bake area meth cooks and keep the dough rolling in.

Bert — Bert’s favorite catchphrase is “Yes, I do mind!” That nagging attitude makes him a natural for harassing citizens for nuisance violations. After all, what good are community relations if you can’t constantly annoy the community with your special mix of pettiness and arrogance?

Ernie — Ernie has got Bert’s back. He needs to be a good shot.

Kermit the Roach — He’s perfect for undercover drug work, where the dealers pay plenty to stay out of prison. Kermit makes it easy to get green without triggering a code red.

Oscar the Ouch — The Street’s most famous grouch has traded his garbage can for a model K – 22 Taser Stun Gun. Unless you’re a fan of high-voltage, never look him directly in the eye.

Initially, there was a reluctance on the part of the police officers to trade their military style uniforms for puppet suits. Then they were reminded of the Laughing Policeman Rule. That little-known federal statute states that anyone ridiculing a law enforcement officer can be shot between their snickers.

“It just goes to show you,” Puchlens said. “He who laughs last is probably wearing a Miss Piggy bulletproof bra.”

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GM Launches The New Mako Shark

A fisherman transports a dead whale shark in Yangzhi, China Says one reviewer: “A fantastic car. But it costs an arm and a leg.”

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Fashion Note

The Mets are giving up their camouflage uniforms. Whenever  they wear them, Terry Collins can’t find the team.

The Mets are giving up their camouflage uniforms. Every time they wear them, Terry Collins can't find the team.

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Separated at birth?

How does Mets GM Sandy Alderson get away with calling his players dwarfs? It must be his close resemblance to Dopey.Sandy and dopey

Posted in Analysis, Comedy, Current Events, entertainment, Funny, Gossip, Humor, News, politics, Satire, sports | Leave a comment